Why I Left the Church When I was about 10 years
old, my Mom and I occasionally attended the Seventh-day
Adventist church in a nearby town. The Adventist
Church was very legalistic back then, though I
did not understand what that meant and so had
no concept of that at the time. I thought of myself
as a Christian though I had never had a conversion
experience or asked Jesus into my heart. I'm not
even sure I ever heard the Gospel clearly explained
to me. I gave intellectual assent to the truth,
that Jesus was the Son of God who came to die
for my sins, but I didn't have a personal relationship
with Him. This was not a saving faith, for the
Bible says that "even the demons believe--and
tremble" (James 2:19). The turning point toward
disaster came when I borrowed a sermon tape from
the church library. The tape basically said that
Christians never sin. They probably used Scripture
references such as I John 5:18 -- "We know that
no one born of God sins." But this is a poor translation.
What it actually means in the Greek is that no
one born of God continues in sin, that is, a truly
saved person will not be able to live in continuing
sin. It does not means that a saved person never
sins, for I John 1:8 says "If we say that we have
no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth
is not in us. First John 1:9 starts off "If we
confess our sins..." This presupposes that Christians
do sin. Moreover, verse 10 continues the thought.
"If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him
a lair, and His word is not in us." Another verse
the tape may have used is Numbers 15:30. This
verse says that anyone committing a willful sin
shall be put to death and that no animal sacrifice
is sufficient, but that "that person shall be
cut off from among his people." This verse does
not take into account the myriad number of verses
in the New Testament, such as I John 1:9, that
our sins are forgiven in Christ. "If we confess
our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive
us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
People also fail to realize Old Testament stories
such as that of King David's adultery with Bathsheba.
This was a willful sin, yet he was forgiven. What
I took away from the tape, whether or not it was
explicitly stated, was that if I sinned even one
more time in my entire life, that I would be unredeemable.
In short--it would be the unforgivable sin. When
I sinned in some minor way shortly after this,
I fell into depression. I felt as if, in the words
of a well-known evangelist, I had "outsinned the
grace of God." I thought I had nothing but hell
to look forward to when I died, and life felt
so short. What was even 60 more years in comparison
to eternity? I didn't dare tell anyone and the
haphazard church attendance of my Mom and I must
have ended shortly thereafter. I had no pastor,
no mention of God in my home. Additionally, I
had lost the only thing that makes life worth
living--hope. My weight dropped, not precariously,
but a bit. I contemplated suicide, but what good
is ending it all if I only had eternal torment
to look forward to? And so I stayed alive, living
in total fear. Feeling that God had forsaken me,
I forsook Him. He wasn't very likable anyway.
I hated Him. Grace was missing from this picture.
Also missing was the work the Holy Spirit does
to help us follow the will of God. It was about
a year and a half later that I opened the phone
book and randomly called a pastor, telling him
my problem. He reassured me that I had not committed
the unforgivable sin and that God would take me
back. This could have been a turning point in
my life, a turning back to God, but it wasn't.
Perhaps it was because spirituality was not encouraged
in my home, that we never attended church, that
my Dad looked down on Christians. Perhaps I was
still angry at God and saw Him as not very likeable,
much less loveable. Perhaps all of the above.
But for whatever reason, whether I decided for
myself or it was decided for me, I didn't go back.
If I had not lived it, I would find it hard to
believe that a sermon tape could derail a person's
walk with God for 15 years, yet that is what happened
to me. Even though I knew the way back was open,
I did not go back. But I still had and needed
to fill the "God-shaped hole" that we all have
within ourselves. I hated the Christian God, so
I eventually went looking for acceptance in the
arms of other gods. In my late teens I became
interested in the New Age, then later in Wicca.
I can see now that I was still searching for truth,
and for love and acceptance from God, but I was
searching in all the wrong places. How I wish
I could go back in time! I would sit down with
my 10-year-old self and warn her away from that
sermon tape. If she heard it anyway, I would explain
the true Gospel message--grace, and forgiveness
of all sin. I would show her the truth of forgiveness
from the Bible. I remember a picture of me when
I was about 10. I am filled with sadness as I
look at that little girl and think back on what
was yet future for her. How I want to fix it!
How I want to stop the pain! We live in a fallen
world and the god of this world is Satan. He saw
a vulnerable little girl interested in the true
God and used the legalistic church she attended
to draw her away. If it were not for God's direct
intervention when I was 25, I never would have
found my way back. Mad at God! I used to be really
angry at Christians. And is it any wonder? They
followed a God who was mean, vindictive and would
smite you for any little thing you did. He demanded
more obedience than I could give. I felt that
God was disgusted with humanity. When I lived
in Berkeley, California (1990-1992) I used to
go over to the university and listen to people
taunt the Christian speakers on the plaza. I would
involve myself in this as much as I could. One
reason I wanted to learn about the Bible was to
use it as "ammo" against them. Over a period of
about eight years God softened my heart and brought
people into my life who showed me Christian love.
By the time I took my second undergraduate course
at University I wanted to learn about it for the
sake of knowledge, not as ammo. I practiced Wicca
for 4-5 years, beginning in about 1991. I was
dedicated to the Pagan path that same year by
the coven I belonged to, and in 1992 was initiated
as a Witch. I also went to many public rituals,
and began to make a name for myself by writing
articles for Pagan magazines such as Green Egg,
Circle Network News, and Hole in the Stone. The
Beginning of the Beginning In 1995 I began reading
my Bible again--going through the New Testament.
It didn't seem to do anything at the time except
fill some gap. I didn't know why I wanted to read
it; I just knew I had an interest in it for some
reason. Salvation begins with God, of course,
but He often uses people to accomplish His will.
In that sense the beginning of the beginning was
with Jim, a liberal Christian I had met on the
Internet. In January of 1996 he went through some
difficult times and asked me to pray for him.
I began by praying to the goddess whom I worshipped
at the time, but then thought that I should pray
to his God. After all, his problem should be brought
before his God. I remember how humbly and apologetically
I approached his God that day. I told Him I wasn't
asking anything for myself, that indeed I wouldn't
expect anything if I did ask. Then I presented
my request for Jim. But I did end up asking for
something for myself, and it turned out to be
one of the most important things I have ever prayed
for. I can't tell you why I did it and even now
I'm not sure of the reason, but on two occasions
after my prayer for Jim, I tacked on a request
for myself: "God, please help me to get to know
You." At the time I thought the prayer so important
that I promptly forgot about it. Life continued
on as always. But God hears sincere prayers, and
He heard that one. He had always worked behind
the scenes, but now my prayer had given Him permission
to work openly. Things began happening, slowly
at first. The next milestone on my journey toward
God was just over a month away, at the end of
February. Enter Charles A month after those prayers
I met Charles, a Canadian, on the Internet. He
became invaluable to me over the next few months.
He helped to answer my questions and concerns.
I believe he was truly sent from God because the
timing was too perfect. Charles and I met when
I was cruising the soc.religion.christian newsgroup.
One day I posted this question: "In one hundred
words or less, why are you a Christian instead
of something else? Why do you believe? Please,
no sermons. I've had quite enough. I just want
to know why you believe what you do. Thank you."
As you might imagine, I got quite a few responses,
some of them very long (I guess they didn't read
the part about no sermons?), and some much more
respectful of the length. Charles tried to be
respectful, keeping his to 150 words. He gave
me a clear, concise answer, but that wasn't what
caused me to write him back. What caused that
was a single line at the end of his e-mail, looking
more like an afterthought than anything else,
but still an honest question. "Out of curiosity,
why are you a Pagan?" he asked. And I replied,
and we just kept writing. God Shows Up A month
after this, at the end of March, I went to a small
Christian music concert held in the gymnasium
at St. Mary's College in Moraga. It cost only
$5 and was really nothing spectacular. Jesse Manibusan
was opening for Margaret Becker. I have always
loved Christian music and I wanted to buy a tape
from Jesse (it couldn't be bought in a store.)
That's one reason I went. But at the concert something
happened that I will remember for the rest of
my life. There I was, minding my own business,
enjoying Jesse's music, when I became aware of
this incredibly loving Presence that filled the
room. After being taught a God that was mean,
angry, and spiteful, this Presence of pure LOVE
startled me. There was no way to reconcile it
with what I had learned. I hated God, ran from
Him. I had spent the last several years of my
life doing that. Still, He came after me. While
I am sure that the Presence was there because
of the music and the love of the people, and not
for me, there is no doubt in my mind that I was
led there. It took me completely off guard, and
when I got home that night and found myself alone
in my room with my thoughts, I began to think
about it, and I knew some things would have to
change. It set me off on a month-long search for
this God. During this time many small coincidences
occurred, too many and too small to chronicle
here, but more than enough to convince me that
this God was real, powerful, and that He loved
me. It is a scary thing to be chased by God, but
exciting, too. You know you're safe and in good
hands, but when you're currently worshiping other
gods, you don't know which hands are the good
ones anymore. Let me just tell here a couple of
the strange things that happened as God reached
out for me. Days after the concert, with God very
much on my mind, I was listening to a secular
lite rock music station on my Walkman when the
song "Right Here Waiting" came on. The chorus
goes like this: "Wherever you go, whatever you
do, I will be right here waiting for you. Whatever
it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right
here waiting for you." I felt God calling me through
that song. It was Him singing to me, asking me
to come to Him. The following day I was listening
to my Walkman again when I heard the beginning
of a commercial. I couldn't tell you what they
were selling, but these two sentences leapt out
at my ears, "Are you listening? Do you hear it?"
That's all I remember, but it was enough to get
me to think of God. After all, how does one not
listen to God? A few days later, another song
on the radio. The chorus went like this: "I loved
you, you didn't feel the same. Though we're apart,
you're in my heart. Give me one more chance to
make it real." In those words I felt God asking
me to seek Him one more time before throwing Him
away. I felt Him tell me to stop running and just
give in. Trust. There is one other thing I wish
to mention before moving on: two dreams I had,
one just before I was saved, and one after. The
differences in their tone is worth noting. First,
some background and a clarification. The Satanist
in the story below is just that_a Satanist. Satanism
should not be confused with Wicca, as Wiccans
do not worship Satan, and in fact, do not even
believe in him. It is impossible to consciously
worship something you do not believe in. Most
Wiccans I knew (and still know) are wonderful,
law-abiding folks who simply disagree with me
in some key theological areas. They are not Satanists,
and should not be confused with them. However,
as a Christian I do feel that because Wicca does
not acknowledge the God of the Bible, it is wrong
and therefore evil, though Wiccans themselves
are not conscious of this. Ok, now on to the background
of the dreams. I was attending college at the
time, and in one of my classes was a Satanist,
Jay. (I learned his name when we ended up having
a few classes together over time and I would occasionally
make small talk with him before class.) He was
a nice guy, never acted untoward to me, but he
freaked me out anyway. He missed a lot classes
between the beginning of the year and the midterm,
but after the midterm he began to show up more
frequently, and instead of sitting in his usual
place in the back, moved forward in the desks
until, just after my conversion, he was sitting
with me in the front row, just a few seats away.
Even though he had never done anything to hurt
me, his mere presence became a symbol of evil
in my life. Toward the end of April, about a week
before my conversion, I had a dream. I had been
thinking about God so much that my mind, overwhelmed
with all that was happening, put my fears into
symbolic form. I'm walking toward my college campus
and it's night. A van pulls up and the Satanist
guy from my class is driving. Suddenly, in the
way dreams just "move," I find myself in the passenger
seat of the van. There is no invitation on his
part, and no acceptance on mine. I'm just suddenly
there. I ask him to let me out at the next block,
but he just keeps driving, and soon we are away
from the campus area. I crawl behind the front
seats to the back of the van, but then I realize
that no matter where I go, I'm still in the van
with him. I realize I need to get out. I crawl
back up front. I tell him that I'm a "white-light,
fluffybunny" type Wiccan and this seems to turn
him off. But the scariest part of the dreams was
when I asked him, "What do you want?" I will never
forget his reply: "To get to know you better."
I know it was only my own fears, that evil and
good were duking it out over my soul, but it shook
me up a bit. It took me an hour to get back to
sleep, after I had written everything down. About
two weeks after my conversion, I had a second
dream, markedly different in its mood. I'm working
in the cafeteria (I worked part-time in the cafeteria
at my college). I'm just starting my break and
am in line at the taco bar to get some food. On
the other side of the bar is Jay, also getting
some food. He asks me if I would like to go to
the movies with him and I tell him no. Right at
that point, out of nowhere, a man who I took to
be another student, speaks up and tells Jay to
lay off me. Jay asks me if he is my boyfriend
and I tell him no, wondering myself who he is.
Jay and my mysterious "rescuer" exchange a couple
more sentences that I don't catch. At the end,
Jay tells the newcomer "You'd better be careful,"
and then he goes to sit down to eat. The new guy
just sort of disappears. I couldn't tell you what
happened to him. I go to a table away from Jay
to eat my food. Charles said that he thought my
"mysterious rescuer" was him because he was praying
for me, basically "standing in the gap," and that
this sort of thing did not make Satan happy. Perhaps
on a subconscious level I knew this and hence
had the dream. Visions and Prayers There were
many times over the month of April that I prayed
to Jehovah, asking Him to help me. Toward the
end of the month I reached the point where I told
Him that, though I wasn't willing to follow Him,
I was willing to become willing. Another time,
about a week later, I asked Him to help me to
love Him. I prayed that I would get to know Him
and learn about Him. I prayed that He would show
me the way He wanted me to go, walk with me down
it, and tell me what to do to serve Him. Often
I "felt" Him listening and knew I was heard. I
knew that if I was going to get to know this God
that I would have to learn to trust Him. And so
I used a technique I'd learned as a Wiccan. I
visualized myself on one side of a doorway with
the Goddess standing near me. Jesus stood on the
other side of the open door. I remember saying
to Him, "Give me one good reason I should follow
You?" His response stopped me in my tracks: "Because
I love you." Jesus kept reaching out for me, telling
me to take His hand. No matter how hard I tried,
I couldn't do it. And then, one night in mid-
to late April, it happened. I closed my eyes to
do the visualization, and I could take His hand!
I knew that He wanted me to step through the door
as well, that stepping through the door was a
sign of real trust, but it was a few more days
until I was able to do that. Once I had done that,
I knew I was crossing a line, a line of trusting
God, maybe only a little, but more than in years.
He was patiently working with me, knowing that
I could never ask Jesus into my heart if there
wasn't at least some trust there, however small.
April of 1996 was the most difficult month for
me with coincidences abounding. I felt God reaching
out for me, and yet I kept shrinking back. Due
to my interest in Christianity I was currently
attending a class in Christian history at my college.
The teacher believed in the hands-on approach,
and one of our assignments was to go to some services
and write a report. We had to attend Orthodox
Lenten and Easter services, and a Catholic Easter
service. So there I was, struggling with God very
hard, and having to attend all these services.
Don't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor!
Acceptance Finally, on May 3, 1996 at about 6:45
p.m., I called Charles and had him pray with me,
and gave my life to Christ. But it wasn't during
the prayer that I felt it. It was when I said,
"I want Jesus in my heart" that I felt it. I had
accepted Him. I was Christian. Me, the Witch,
a Christian! Ironically, this was four years to
the day of my dedication to the Pagan path--to
the very day. Later I discovered that Charles
had had a strong feeling for half that day that
he should pray for me, and that at the time of
my phone call he had been, off and on, for about
six hours. Riding the Fence Of course, I didn't
stop my Wiccan activities right away. Soon after
my conversion I attended a large Pagan festival
in Northern California. I felt it may be my last
Pagan "fling", so I went even though I knew God
didn't want me to. However, I didn't count on
Him showing up. Within a day and a half of arriving
I was very confused. I realized later that going
there was like walking into a spiritual battle
without armor on, like Paul writes of in Ephesians
6. As a new Christian I was a target of the enemy,
and here I was willingly walking onto the enemy's
ground with no protection! I was so confused that
I called Charles (all the way in Canada!) on a
pay phone. He told me to talk to God. I said I
didn't know if God would listen to me because
I was being so bad. He assured me that God would
hear. I agreed to think about it. Two or three
hours later I went out behind the Meadow Building,
sat under the oak tree, and began speaking to
God out loud, not a prayer really, just talking.
But He heard and He came. I hadn't spoken two
sentences when I sensed this Presence under the
tree with me. As at the concert, it took me off
guard. Unlike the concert, this was a completely
personal experience. He was there for me, because
I had called Him. I expected Him to be angry with
me for doing something I knew He didn't want me
to do, but He wasn't. Now I know that He meets
each of us where we are and gives us exactly what
we need. I needed understanding and compassion
at that point, not judgment, and that's what He
gave me. But His presence made me angry. I didn't
know what to say, and I wasn't going to repent.
He was being too loving by coming to the festival,
coming after me, so I told Him to go away. He
refused, remaining near. I repeated the command.
He still didn't move. Finally I had to get up
and walk away. If He wouldn't leave, I would.
He remained close for the rest of the festival,
reminding me that He was there just waiting for
me to call on Him, to come back. Needless to say,
all this made a big impression on me. Later, an
acquaintance of mine, Bruce, the man who later
baptized me, told me He didn't go away because
I had invited Him into my life when I gave myself
to Him. He wasn't about to leave me alone. Choosing
Sides I was baptized at the end of the summer,
but not without having to first choose sides.
Two days before it was to happen, Bruce discovered
that I had not yet renounced Paganism. He told
me he wouldn't baptize me unless I did. It was
hard for him to tell me this, and hard for me
to hear it, but it needed to be said. I am glad
he put Christ and the Gospel before the comfort
of either of us. He helped me to understand how
important baptism is: How could I undergo a death
and rebirth initiation ritual unless I really
was dying to my old life? How could I be raised
to new life in Christ if I was still holding onto
and practicing the old ways? I mention my baptism
because it was an important turning point. I call
it my "Joshua moment" because, like Israel with
Joshua, I was being given a choice of whom to
worship. I made the same choice they did, a conscious
decision to worship only Jehovah. Giving my life
to Him on May 3 was only the beginning, as I had
not given up worshiping other gods. He worked
with me and on me, patiently walking me to this
decision point. Results Much has changed in my
life since I accepted Christ. I have a sense of
peace I never had before. Somehow this God puts
to rest all the doubts that the Goddess never
could. Even when I run from Him I know He still
loves me and that someday I will be with Him in
heaven. He answers the questions about this life,
and the life to come. He tells me everything will
be okay, and that He'll never abandon or forsake
me. He shows justice tempered with love, which
is mercy. Directly after my conversion my relationship
with my boss improved dramatically. Where once
he threatened to "let me go" because of my bad
attitude, he no longer spoke of this, and became
downright friendly. My co-workers also mentioned
how happy I seemed all the time. (Dancing with
my mop as I clean the floor is not depressed behavior.)
Other people have noticed that I complain less.
I also worry less. I had a bad attitude and was
irritable. The Goddess was not very helpful when
I wanted to change these self-destructive behaviors.
I was, in fact, unable to change no matter how
hard I tried. With God, I didn't have to try.
It just happened. The peace and joy He gives really
is beyond all understanding, and one's attitude
cannot help but change when bathed in this love.
Some people will tell you that Christianity and
Wicca can be blended, that you don't have to give
up one to practice the other. This is untrue.
I tried to blend the two, but at every step the
Holy Spirit told me I had to choose (Joshua 24:15).
I've naturally begun to re-evaluate who the Goddess
is. I've noticed that there have been times when
I was in life-and-death situations and called
out to her, only to get no response. One situation
occurred in January, 1996 when I was hit by a
motorcycle as I crossed the street. In my pain
and fear I called out to her. I received silence.
She promised she'd never forsake me. She lied.
Conclusion We worship a wonderful God! Who else
than the God of the Bible, the only true God,
Jehovah, could take an initiated Witch worshiping
other gods and bring her to the Gospel light?
What other God would bother? I deserved justice,
and justice dictated that I continue to live,
and eventually die, in the dark. But God, in order
to show His mercy and magnify His glory, stooped
down to me even though I had persecuted Him and
blasphemed the very glory I should have worshipped.
I used to worship other gods; now I worship the
one true God. Under Joshua's leadership, the Israelites
were given a choice of whom to worship: "Choose
for yourselves today whom you will serve" (Joshua
24:15). Joshua then told them who he would worship:
"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord"
(24:15). And the Israelites chose the same: "Far
be it from us that we should forsake the Lord
to serve other gods" (24:16). Like Joshua and
the Israelites, I too have chosen to follow the
Lord, and Him alone. This story doesn't have an
end, as no story about one's life ends until that
life comes to an end. I hope this helps or enlightens
you in some way. May God bless you richly as you
search for and walk with Him.
http://newbirthlovesjesus.net
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